I'm Miss World... Somebody Kill Me

I love Tallulah Bankhead. More than anyone. She was suck a fucking badass.

My theater teacher is NOT a badass. He is loved by NO ONE. He is the stereotype of a angry older male high school substitute teacher, with the fact tha he is a COLLEGE teacher and, oh, also a failed actor sprinkled in.

Our class is only about 20 people but he lectures us as if he is in a huge lecture hall and he HATES when people comment or ask questions during his class lectures.

OH and he refuses to say what the homework is for the next class EVER because he handed out a syllabus at the beginning of class and he thinks that it is the only source for that type of knowledge.

His main source to grade students are 3 pissy group projects and POP QUIZZES just like good old high school and dear god I was going nuts.

TODAY my girlfriend D and I stayed after class to have a word with him. It had been a particularly bad class with him bitching at people-PAY ATTENTION! I AM GOD! he seemed to be shouting. I'm not sure exactly what he was saying, as all I was hearing in my brain was the WAAH-wo-WAH Charlie Brown teacher-noise in my head.

We chatted with him for about 40 minutes, and he was pretty keyed up at first, but then he started listening to us. He's not a bad guy, he just has NO idea how to relate to the average 18-year-old community college student... He wants to treat us like CHILDREN to discipline us, but then it stops when it comes to homework or studying... THEN we should be grown-ups.

I'm getting an A in his class so this was not about grades... I've just never met a teacher in recent years who was less able to bond with his students and hope for success. I swear he seemed to be rooting for us all to fail.

And the big lasting message to him (He was most frustrated by us not listening to his lectures) was that IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO LISTEN TO A LECTURE ON CHAPTER FOUR, GIVE PEOPLE THE QUIZ AFTER AFTER AFTER YOU LECTURE ON IT. Since we had JUST taken a quiz on chapter 4 at the BEGINNING of class, and would not ever be quizzed on it again, why would an 18-year-old pay attention to your hour-and-a-half LECTURE ON GREEK AND ROMAN THEATER???????

More Greetings From Afar

I got another letter today...



Here is the best line from it:

"The school that we go to is a military academy and the students are 16-19 years old- the girls wear the knee high boots and fishnets with their uniforms- we have never quite seen anything like that before- if the Air Force did that they might get more women to join."

His poor virginal eyes must be burnin' up.

Working On My Ralph

Here is what I accomplished today:







It's still got a long way to go, but it's not due til Monday, so it still has hope.

The weather has gotten all cold-as-shit just when it seemed like spring was here... I even planted some flowers in my pots cuz I thought it would be WARM enough. Dammit.

I Filed Our Taxes Today.

My husband has been asking me to put my junk into the taxes since February and I finally did it today. Good girl, Valency.

I prefer to work on my art stuff at home, not in class. But the class is supposed to be 3 hrs and 45 minutes long on Mons and Weds and the teacher finally complained that people were leaving class too early (like most of us left after 1 hour) so she cracked down and said STOPPIT.

On Monday I was totally prepared to paint in class... at least I thought I was. I had EVERYTHING... BUT... I forgot my wet palette on which I had all of my grey paint carefully laid out and blended and I didn't realize that I forgot it until it was too late so I basically sat around in class and bullshitted for 3 hours. College Is Fun!

SO tomorrow I will NOT forget my stuff. I WILL paint in class. I WILL be a good girl.

My MOTHER breeds what she calls 'Designer Dogs' up in Seattle. 'Designer Dogs' is the shady way of marketing MUTTS to gullible people with money. She charges like $1000 for the puppies and people pay it.

She 'mixes' chihuahuas with poodles, and I think she has a papillion running around in there, too. Here are the latest puppies she sold:






I DO want a puppy, just not one of hers, because sometimes her ITEMS/gifts/whatever come with STRINGS ATTACHED i.e. guilt hen-pecking complaining pissing and moaning. I will buy my OWN puppy here in New Mehico, but not until next spring. That is the plan. And I'm sticking to it.

Cheap Red Bull Is Nice

I woke up this mornin' and checked my email and YEAY Shane had written. Finally. I feel a WHOLE lot better.

I will share it with YOU as it is very impersonal and has no secret agent man info in it.

Hello-
I safely arrived in the Ukr****- the trip from the airport to the hotel was interesting- high speeds and had to pay off a police officer with a bribe. The hotel is good but there is not any internet access so we have to walk a few miles and wait in line forever to use the internet. School is good- I feel like I am back in high school with the bell and all. The school is like Hogwarts with big staircases and dark hallways. I like to run here- there is a river and it is fun in the morning to go running and watch the river. Ukr**** is really neat and there is Soviet stuff all over the place (statues of Stalin- war heros of the Soviet Union and stuff like that.) The food is really nice we have a person cook for us three times per day. Red Bull is only $1 here and that is nice. Hope all is going well and I will try to write you in a few days (we are trying to get the stuff hooked up at the hotel but who knows). I miss you and love you- take care and have a good day.
Love, Shane

Umm, bribing cops?!? Huh?

I think he coulda left that part out. I need an explanation, sir!

Isn't he the most poetic, romantic man? Kidding. I love the fuck outta him. And I think I'll sleep much better tonight.

Bitch, Give Me The Fucking Nugget

WHAT a handsome boy. Ralphie is my muscle while Shane is gone. Don't fuck with me.


I have to now use my vast knowledge of mixing grey paint to paint a picture of a person or an animal. I didn't want to paint my kids because I am not that confident of my ability to paint people and not make them look like a mongoloid. So Ralph is the winner. Yeay puppy!



I took these pictures this morning with a chicken nugget in my hand. These pictures show my dog's emotional phases as he cusses me out in his head. I think I'm going to paint the top picture.

All's Quiet On The Home Front

I need to get my ass in gear with my 20-square project, since our instructor ended up giving us A MONTH to do it which is MORE than enough time but of course I have waited til this weekend to work on it any more because it is due Monday WHATEVER.



That is my only plan for this weekend Fri-Sat-Sun I just have to take Stone to his brain shrink on Friday morning for a maintenance tune-up as I don't want him to wig out with his dad gone.

Stone has ACTUALLY been really really good this weekend since Shane left so I guess less testosterone in the house can be a GOOD thing.

MySpace in MyHouse

The little spot on the floor in front of the TV is where I spent my day. Homework is done, but I still haven't settled on a new camera. The Sunday ads let me down... now I have to go spend quality time on Amazon.com.



The new Stephen Colbert flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice cream is SO FUCKING YUM. Vanilla ice cream with chocolate-covered waffle cone pieces and a ribbon of carmel running-the-fuck through it. Colbert is a creepy-looking man but he tastes delicious.

PROCRASTINATE? MOI? NO!!

I couldn't fall asleep last night... I'm not CONSCIOUSLY worrying about my husband, but the evil-jelly-subconscious parts of my brain are. The do not let me fall asleep and make my brain BUZZ and so I watched 4 or 5 episodes of 'Weeds' and I REALLY like it! I'm waiting for 'Big Love' to go on sale now... that's 'sposed to be excellent too...

Shane told me that he probably wouldn't be able to call AT ALL from the U-Crane (I try not to spell it right so it won't pop up on Google searches or whatever, if you didn't get that-NERD ALERT) but I was at least hoping for an email. It's only been 3 days but I just like the comfort of an "I'm here and I'm okay" email.

I need to go work on my gay art assignments... 'paint a perfect greyscale' and 'make a collage greyscale from magazine clippings'... SUCK BORING!! I think I am going to use different shaped punches to cut out my magazine collage pieces... just to TRY and salvage some interesting-ness out of the assignment...

OH and I rewrote my 'About Me' thing on the right... since I'm not 34 anymore and since I think I know what I want to be when I grow up. And Stone turns 12 in 2 weeks so I changed the boy-age. (He's getting a laptop... shhhh, don't tell him...)

Famous Valency

Anyone who is SUPERCOOL like me has a MySpace page - the link to mine is on the right. And those people KNOW how often you get random messages and friend request from 'Brandi' or 'Suzi' or whomeverthefuck and you just sigh and delete their dumb stupidness and it is over.

BUT last week I got a message and I opened it - I ALWAYS read them because I am a sucka and look at THIS!

(Click to enlarge it)


I do remember that she emailed me about where I got my hair did cuz she just moved into town and her boyfriend/husband is white and has crazy bleached hair... I said NO GOOD PLACES that I know of and I do my hair myself... Back to the story YES I was at Sam's Club on St. Patrick's Day so that is just bizarre.

Shane and I were buying a trampoline for the kids so they can work off a little energy.

I kinda feel a teeny bit famous, dah-ling. Anyone want my autograph??

It's 1 o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep.

Shopping Extravaganza

The ONE thing I went shopping for is the ONE thing I DIDN'T buy. I decided to wait to check the ads in the Sunday paper tomorrow, because none of the cameras were floating my boat. I DID buy "The Sims 2: Pets" for Stone because the boys are on spring break and they are bored. I did not pay for it anyway, because he used allowance money he had saved.

I did buy a couple of DVDs for me... I don't buy CDs anymore, since I discovered iTunes. These are both Things My Husband Would Never Want To Watch:

I went to Barnes & Noble to look for an art book with a good grey scale in it, since making one is my homework for art class this weekend. NONE of the books had a good one, but I bought these three from the discount section:

I ran into Macy's to get macara plus the free gift from Estee Lauder and I had to peek at the sale shoe rack and I found these babies... they begged me to take them home:

Then I went to the HELL that is Walmart On A Saturday and I bought $300 worth of groceries and crap like this: I am secretly hoping that the Kaboom Never Scrub toilet insert actually lives up to its promise, but I don't think it will.

I had a huge box of Tide on the bottom of my cart and as I left Walmart it fell off JUST as I walked past the 5 uniformed FIREFIGHTERS who scrambled to pick it up and put it back on my cart. I couldn't have planned that shit better since Firemen give me the BIGGEST boner ever. I seriously blushed and smiled at them and said "Firemen to the rescue!" Oh GOD I am suck a NERD. But I did make them chuckle.

Oh and I dusted off the SHIT old Olympus to take these pics. It will do for now.

Come Dig Me Out

I am NOT pigeon-toed but in this picture it appears that I am.

Here is HENRY AND MY FEET.



I should be house-cleaning right now. Since Hurricane Shane blew through, it's a LITTLE disrupted.

Shane took the good camera to Ukaka-poop with him so as a reward for cleaning the house and getting homework done, I am taking myself to Best Buy or somewhere like that and I will buy myself a camera. Thrilling, no?

I do have problems with 'retail therapy' when Shane leaves... you know, the whole 'band-aiding' the depression thing. But at least I actually NEED a camera, as I'm sure he'll want to take it to Iraq, too. I'm not buying shit I don't need. Yet.

What The FUCK Is Wrong With Me??

I have no clue. Anyway, my BIRTHDAY was March 12th and this is what I got for my birthday:



YES I know it is totally fucking blurry but I have no clue how to take close-up pictures because I refuse to read the instructions for the camera. INSTEAD, here is a picture of my new PHAT-ASS diamond ring on my cat Bijou's head:



It's a Princess kitty tiara!!

I don't know if I've bitch-blogged about it before, but my husband never bought me a ring when we got engaged/married. He was a poor poor E-1 in the Air Force and we had no moolah and we could only eat meat 2 or 3 times a week and I had to bring a calculator to the Commissary to go grocery shopping because the food budget was TIGHT. Ahhh, the good ole days...

We got married with my mom & dad's rings, since my dad died and my mom was remarried, she didn't need 'em. They're cool, but about 5 years ago, I stopped wearing it, because it BUGGED me that my husband had never bought me a diamond.

After FIFTEEN years of marriage, I deserve a big friggin' rock. So we've been hitting all of the jewelry stores in New Mexico, and I found the PERFECT ring, with the PERFECT oval diamond to put in it, and it ROCKS (pardon the pun). I am a happy girl.

The husband was back for about a week, and he just left again today for about 2 months of training in a European county that begins with the letter U and ends with e and I think it's pretty russian-ish. Then he comes home in May for about 5 days and then he's off for the full year in the dry dry desert.

My brain is a little muddled right now but I will get back on the blog wagon...

Ooooh I'm Still Alive

I'm just in a huge funk. And I have homework up to my eyeballs. Suckola. But I still like posing for pictures...

Black Squares. Figure It Out

Here's a fun one. Don't get too excited, control yourself. Please.



This is a project where we had to take 4 black squares (for each composition) and arrange them to show six things. They are:

TENSION
BOLD
ORDER
PLAYFUL
INCREASE
CONGESTION

There HAD to be 4 squares, no more, no less. They could be any size, they could overlap, and they could bend/fold/flutter/stretch/whatever. I had to cut it all out of silhouette paper because I HATE when you can see streaky Sharpie-lines. I like clean PERFECTION.

Some might be easier than others to figure out. I'm turning off Word VerificationSuck so it's easier to comment. Spammers, please stay the fuck away. Please.

Play with me. Please.

What Not To Wear

I TORE my closet up this weekend. I yanked everything out, got new sturdy wooden hangers, and I worked VERY HARD to purge everything that I haven't worn since we've moved to New Mexico. I inherited hoarding disease from my mother and it felt SO GOOD to drag 4 bigass garbage bags full of SHIT to the garage.

I mentioned this to the cute girl who sits next to me in art class today and she said "OH please can I look through it?" which to me is a huge compliment that I am hip enough to have a young hip peeps want my hand-me-downs. YEAY ME.



I went to "Tuesdays With Morrie" with my guyfriend AC and it was pretty not very exciting. The theater was full of really old people and students from CNM and UNM who were forced to see it by their drama teachers.

The best part of the whole evening was the two old people who were sitting behing us and the little old man would repeat every other line to his wife in the loudest whisper possible. It pissed off a lot of people in the theater, but it just gave me the giggles. It was sweet.

Afterwards, I had to drop AC off at a bar to meet up with a friend... twist my arm, I went inside for a minute. There was a whole group of people that I knew, so I stayed for some chitty-chat, and the minute turned into about an hour.

When I stood up to leave, I had to straighten my dress out over my butt. You sit on vinyl bar chairs, your dress gets wrinkled over your ass. I was actually wearing my White House/Black Market tunic top as a dress... over tights, with Super-Girl-Hero boots. No big deal.



Tunic now straightened out, I went to leave, and as I passed by this black girl with crazy multi-hued braids, she grabbed me and said into my ear VERY SERIOUSLY "You need to go into the bathroom and sprinkle water on your butt and the static will go away." Then she pulled back and GLARED at me. It was SO BIZARRE.

I holler back into HER ear,"NO WORRIES ABOUT MY ASS, I'M ON MY WAY HOME." And I glared back.

Here is my static-ridden ass:



I don't think I'll wear my top as a dress ANY MORE. The end. Literally.

Frantic Valency

I am going through the inevitable withdrawls/sadness/stress/frantic-ness that always accompanies the times when my husband leaves... I try to be this independent, cocky badass biyotch but it never completely works out.

I am now compulsively cleaning and re-organizing every closet, cabinet and cupboard in the house. It makes me feel centered and ready to take on the world. God only knows why. I am NOT OCD in a way that is detremental to my life, or anyone else's, for that matter. Bite me.

The last time Shane went to 'Raq, I was doing very well, I thought... until I started breaking out into random hives on a constant basis. I would wake up in the middle of the night with puffy, raging knees that I would be scratching so hard that the skin would bleed... then it would be hives only on my eyelids, then it was my abdomen, the palms of my hands, the soles of my feet... every day it would be something new... SURPRISE! Not.

The doctor did a million allergy tests and spent 2 hours looking shit up in books to try to diagnose them... but apparently some peeps just get non-stop stress hives. Your body will rebel when dealing with stress, whether you deny you're stressed out or not. I hope it doesn't happen again. I had to go on a cocktail of allergy meds to get rid of them... 7 pills in the morning and 6 at night. For a long time. YUCK.

I've decided to start tanning tomorrow. I'm feeling pale and flabby and the only thing I can fix instantly is the pale part. I'm gonna start kicking the flab in the arse soon.

I downloaded "Half Acre" by Hem on iTunes. It's the song on that Liberty Mutual commercial. Does that mean I'm a total nerd?

My birthday is 11 days away. YES. I think Shane wants me to pick out a new camera for myself since he is taking the new-new one. If money was no object, what would Valency want for her birthday? NEW BOOBS, A BABY CHIHUAHUA, A TANNING BED, and, umm, A SHOE SHOPPING SPREE? Yes. I am superficial and flakey. But not really really. Only in my brain.